I wish I could unleash my hold that I have on this beast called loneliness and self-hatred. Eyes that I know look upon me– they say, and without parting their lips, “I know you don’t really feel that way about yourself. And I know that’s how you see yourself…”
They don’t know. They do not know. And I can sit alone at the end of my day with the books that I have held onto through the two round trip moves cross country, times I’ve spent nights in my cars in the past years…my journals, where my scribbling hand writing is all the substance I am.
I deleted my facebook page because all I want to say is, “FUCK ALL OF THIS SHIT!” I deleted my facebook page because this is something I do when I result to my ultimate isolation ..I no longer am just physically alone, but virtually– well, I no longer am in touch with those I know.
They don’t know that I want to go to the nearest liquor store and get a fifth of vodka. However, where I live now, is nothing like my days in Boston (which were not that long ago), where there was a booze-cooze store on every street corner.
Truth is, I am suffocating and nobody really knows it. I can’t really even begin to tell you what kind of pressure I am under…I didn’t expect to be susceptible to it again, especially as an adult.
I got a medical bill today for a visit to the emergency room that I made at the start of January. Nothing like being tied up in phone calls today to find out that the paper work I signed for the fund that pays for those that have been sexually assaulted pays for their visits to the ER actually covered that bill. It did not in fact cover the cost of my visit. It is quite a costly bill. What a nice a long phone call to find out the frustrations of this reality too– to have to explain the “fund” that I supposedly signed off to. Happy Monday y’all…
(thank-you strangers for letting me vent, whom ever you are out there…your eyes.)
(This began as a FB Update)
Alright ladies, this is important: who makes your favorite jeans? I’m looking for a brand/denim that preferably does not have lycra or stretch enabling fabric in it.
The GAP was my main provider, sadly they don’t make the quality they used to. And a frustrating thing: all their butt pockets have the same design– with the exception of their 1969 line. This is a dilemma.
The new jeans aren’t faded, they don’t fall off my hip in the way they’ve been trained to, nor show the signs of life in the shaded sections of their appropriate geographically located ares on that denim of mine. The loops around the waist hold with perfection all the belts I own– like jewelry that you favor because of how it lays upon your décolletage. Telling the stories of all the times you’ve latched it carefully around your neck, as well as the times it had been taken off from another set of familiar hands. Tragically three of my favorite pairs of jeans are on their way out. And sure, I have others. Have I utilized them much since I bought them? No. They aren’t in my favorites club.
I realize that the new jeans don’t stand a chance until they start to get some play like some underdog that sits on the bench waiting to get put into the game.
But a girl can’t go wrong with a good pair of jeans that fit her like they were tailored just for her. Ones you’ve thrown on at last-minute for a night out. You reach for a fancy top that will changes the entire dynamics of those old jeans. You head out with someone special– somebody you’ve known for years and once exchanged vows in the shape of words. And in that material around the button on those jeans it knows the soft touch of a hand resting on your body and the unbuttoning of that branded circular metal that may have numbers or the name of a brand on it. But in that moment none of these details cross your mine.
Although, these jeans I love are indeed on dying, as I’ve dramatically made clear. This began as a Facebook update asking what kind of jeans my fellow ladies may like, then I went on a tangent– remembering like everything in this world that we touch or hold onto has a story.
Lastly, along with the good stories things may carry, there are some that we may also want to forget. I’ll not lament losing a recent one that was sewn into the stitching of a favorited pair. These faded, worn, and long-lived jeans have accompanied me through times when I had no other pair to wear. And now, I am blessed in a way that I have more than I need. Even more– have a place to put them all away.
You may feel like you are blindly walking through life at times, and the glimpses of reality you get are enough to force your will to stop where you’re at and just fall back into the unknown abyss. But, if you continue to take one step after another, allowing yourself to sit and take as much time to rest as you need, you may find yourself surprised at what life itself reveals to you when you open your eyes and see what kind of possibility lies before you– not just the glimpses of the only thing you know: a past that you’re so desperately trying to leave behind yet scared because it’s all you’ve ever known. So close your eyes when you need to rest, and open them wide when the world is trying to show you that it all just might not be a dead end street, but rather a series of untrodden paths leading you on a continuous bizarre, turbulent, chaotic, lonely, and beautiful journey: life.
I’m ten thousand five-hundred and fifty nine days old…or 28 and 32 days shy of what is supposed to be my 29 birthday if one wants to get down to the skinny of things.
My hands are tired, but not nearly as much as the gears that sluggishly tick away in my slowing heart. I’m unknown here with the exception of a reader or two…this is very similar to the reality of my life. True, we all have only a select few that truly know us…the ones that we allow into the secret club of our hearts– and still that only applies to those that are able to be authentic and vulnerable with those that they do choose to share that with. It’s a tricky thing…it doesn’t always have to be, but for some of us it just is.
We’ve been burned, our hands forced to a scorching hot stove that we knew not to touch against our will…yet repeatedly we have found ourselves in situations and relationships where we placed that limb into someone else’s and allowed them that control.
I’ve wasted thousands of days in my 28 years. There have been a few that I’ve lived with the best of intentions and done some good too– sure. However over all, I feel like a fraud. I know I am not alone. There’s a world of us out there. Some struggling to hang on…some gone, and others that have went on into a life that they succeeded and concurred a past they were able to leave in just that: their past.
But here is the most important thing, I– the master of all frauds and failures have learned in the past thousands of days…
Obviously, wherever you go, there indeed you are. If you spend your entire life telling yourself you are unlovable, then you will indeed become that- so if you don’t want to become that, start telling yourself while you are young and virtuous that you are! Trust me, my heart is as black and unlovable as a retired and deceased coal miner six feet under from a lifetime of that kind of self talk...
Boundaries: learn them. Establish them. Let them be known to all as if you were to wear a sign around your neck– if somebody truly loves you, they will give you the time and space you need; even if it is difficult for them. It’s a conundrum, but sometimes in life, there are things greater than ourselves…
Love. Love it all…everyday, every single second…it makes the seasons of life bearable– especially the the dark winters that feel eternal. Love does concur all…but sometimes concurring everything doesn’t mean you win– it just mean you gave it your all.
Forgiveness. This is essential to life. Without forgiveness you grow bitter and angry (not the healthy kind of anger that one is expected to experience as a human emotion…yes, I have been through therapy- deal with it). Because this is where the love concurres all comes into place. It’s hard to fathom for some maybe, but through the power of forgiveness, despite the scares that have remained, you are a better person for it, and breathe easier at night.
Lies. They only entangle you and drown you in a world of misery.
They. Will. Take. Your. Life.
Live the life you are intended to live- be who you are, speak your truth, as hard as it is, or as joyful as it may be– do not worry about people thinking you are too prideful- if you are happy, be happy. By all means, and I mean this for the people I love in my life, BE HAPPY and share it– be honest and authentic with it! We are not perfect! We are all flawed and that is what makes us so unique and indifferent. Embrace it. Lord knows I have tried and tried…but I have also ran and ran and ran.
Faith. Hope. Grace. God. Love. All these things are real– they exist. I have seen them…touched, tasted, been embraced by, and spoken to. Through the winds that sing in the branches of the Ponderosa Pines of Central Oregon, or the arms of someone I love dearly that I can laugh with or be annoyed at the same time and yet go, “We are doing that thing again, aren’t we?! Grr!” Or the faces of my nieces and nephews…my family.
The imperfections that I still find love in– because that is what you call love. Or taking a step out into thinking I could maybe come back to the place that I started out at. Thinking I could be the strong woman I was back in the warm summer days. I was wrong. I’ve let down a lot of people, myself included- but that will not matter in the end. What matters the most is the mere fact that I just continue to love and give as much as I can to those that I care for most.
I know a handful of my family members might argue that I cannot do that by my “abandoning” them and or my nieces or nephews in my time of asking for space– but that’s your mere small thinking. I’m sorry, but I never had to disclose to you the details of my struggles (and not that you ever believed me in the past..”oh she’s just saying this for attention”….) because they are mine, and I don’t owe you an explanation.
Look up unconditional love. Because that’s what I consider family– even though I feel like I was bron into this world with a mother’s eyes taped shut, and the rest of her family in the waiting room. I’m the wild one…who made up stories…who did drugs…who cut..who went to rehab…the psych unit…who was a lesbian…who ran away…who caused so much added stress on her parents– emotionally and finically.
What it all came down to, was the time that just couldn’t slow down for a second…the brakes that I pleaded God to just at least ease on life for a bit. From December to now- all I asked for was just a break…that’s all.
So as I prayed last night when I walked across the ferry street bridge, I pray tonight with my own will “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change- courage to changes the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
if this song doesn’t say enough- from sending children to their deaths to fight useless wars, arguments and debates over our “rights” being taken away…the rights that were written in a world that existed in the late 1700′s- not a time when when you hear the tragic news of five year olds sprayed with bullets in whats supposed to be a place of safety; our schools. and a time in which that we still look at those that are “different” from us- whom have a different shade color of skin, or whose soul mate and love of their life just happens to be someone of the same sex. these times, they’ve been a changin’ and evolving for so long- and every time i turn on the computer and read the news, or hear about the latest debacle that politicians are fighting about up on the hill on the tax payers dollar- fighting a war where the lives that are at the battlefront are the citizens of this country that they are neglecting to set aside their pride for, and truly rise up for the better of this nation, and its people…because we are one nation, under god, indivisible, with liberty and JUSTICE for ALL- put that in your pipe and smoke it…as in civil rights, equal rights, human rights- “with liberty and justice for all.” they even threw god in there- all the way back to the revised version in 1954 (although they did not mention god in the original pledge of allegiance that was written in 1892). and please note when i mention politicians- i am not putting this on any one wing of a party…that’s not what this rant is about- although any who know me- well, you know me.
(and ps: i know you won’t see this mr. dylan, but thank you for this song- and all the others you wrote…and poems..and drawings..and etc.)
I said “Thank you” to someone today, and that was it. Those were the only two words that came out of my mouth. Kinda odd- but when I think about it, not really all that rare. Funny how you can be surrounded by people, yet be so alone. Here are some photos from my day. I made a trip to Target- oh yes, and via public transportation.
Everyday that seems to come to an end, I can’t help but wonder how I am sitting here with it. A year ago I would have been blacked out drunk by now numbing the pain I’m feeling right now that’s only intensified itself by about a million degrees (hotter). Life’s weird, isn’t it? Also, I deleted my facebook page- and this I did for a handful of reasons.
However, I have felt this odd sense of comfort posting here lately. No one knows me under this pseudonym of mine…(well, mostly no one.) People hit “like.” Folks that I had no idea ever existed, and for some reason I think it just enables me to speak without the fear of someone thinking they need to “have a talk” with me or who the fuck the knows- that’s the point, it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter what I say here- what I post, or how often. I’m seen in a very invisible world- much like the one I already live in…